


Can't Hurt Anymore

by soowrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drunken Confessions, Jim is concerned, Leonard gets drunk to escape his feelings, M/M, Manpain!McCoy, Oblivious!Chekov, Pining, Sort of anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2013-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-15 08:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soowrites/pseuds/soowrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chekov is in a happy relationship and is completely oblivious to the fact that McCoy is completely in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Hurt Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by ladymcchekov on tumblr :)

 

The taste of whiskey was bitter on his tongue and Leonard grimaced, swallowing a cough.  He always hated whiskey. It was the drink that meant he woke up the next day with no memory of what happened the night before; that left a sour taste in his mouth and his brain pushing at the boundaries of his skull. Usually, he wouldn’t drink it, but tonight, the whole point was to forget.

And it was hard,  _so_  hard. Chekov and his boyfriend, Jace, some kid in security or something, were literally across the bar from him, just hovering in his line of vision, as if they had been placed there to torment him. Leonard watched as Jace dipped his head to mutter something into Pavel’s ear, making the Russian laugh and smile, before twisting his body to press a kiss in response. Leonard swallowed and averted his gaze to his glass, downing the last mouthful, before tapping the counter top and silently ordering another.

He was already feeling a little dizzy, but it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t sure whether it would ever be enough because he still found his eyes darting to watch the couple’s interactions even though it made his throat tighten and his chest hurt. His third drink of the night was finished quickly.

“You need to stop torturing yourself.”

Leonard jerked at the unexpected voice beside him, turning to face the source and glared darkly into the pitying face of James Kirk. He turned back to his drink – not without another glance across the bar, of course.

“Just leave it Jim,” he responded blankly.

“Unfortunately for you, I can’t,” Jim answered, settling into a more comfortable position on the bar stool. Jim’s eyes moved to watch the interactions between the couple. Pavel and Jace had been in a relationship for about three months now, long enough to want to settle, yet still be in the gushy honeymoon phase that meant they spent every spare moment together. And for the entire time, Leonard had been left to watch as the person he had feelings for, maybe even the person he loved, found pleasure in someone else. Jim had tried confronting his friend before, had tried to help, but Bones stubbornly refused to admit there was anything wrong. Now, he couldn’t deny it.

“He’s happy,” Jim continued, with a slight shrug.

“Yeah,” Leonard agreed gruffly, tipping back his drink, “With some small minded pretty boy with a stupid cowlick.”

Jim glanced at Jace and had to nod his agreement. “Well, cowlicks hardly ever look good,” he commented, before his eyes moved back to his friend, “But I’m not here about his styling choices. I’m here about you. You can’t keep doing this to yourself Bones.”

“Doing what?” Leonard grumbled.

“Hurting yourself,” Jim answered.

“I’m not-“

“Hey, you can deny it all you want, it doesn’t mean it’s not true. You’re drinking yourself into a haze so you don’t have to think about it,” he interrupted forcefully, “Now, as your captain and your friend, you need to-“

“What? Get over it?” Leonard laughed emotionlessly, shaking his head. His grip flexed around his glass. “You think I haven’t tried? You think I  _want_  to feel like this? That I want to watch,” he broke off suddenly when his voice broke. He muttered a curse and finished his drink, before ordering yet another drink.

“Maybe you could try talking to him?” Jim offered, although he already knew the reply he would get.

Leonard scoffed. “To Chekov? Nah, I…I can’t. What if….no, he’s happy. I should be happy for him,” he nodded once with such certainty, almost as if he had to convince himself it was true. He finally turned to face Jim, a wide and so terribly false smile in place. “I’m fine, Jim. I will be…fine.”

Jim looked at him so sadly that it was clear that he didn’t believe a word that was being said, but there was also a look of defeat in his eyes. His need to help would be renewed soon enough, when he could think up a solution that would help his friend with his troubles, but for now, it gave Bones a few more hours to wallow in self-pity. Jim stood up, clapped him on the shoulder, squeezing tightly before leaving him to his drinking.

*

Leonard couldn’t be sure how much time passed after that conversation. He remembered finishing his drink and ordering yet another – was that his fifth? His sixth? He wasn’t sure.  And then suddenly, there was a gentle voice in his ear, urging him away from the darkness that had shadowed him.

“Doctor…Doctor…ah, Leonard…”

Bones blinked, one side of his face aching from being pressed so firmly against the wooden counter top. His vision blurred for a moment before it cleared, and he groaned his frustrations.

“Just fucking great,” he muttered to himself, sitting up slowly, wincing at the pulling of his aching muscles. He peered beadily around the bar, surprised to find it completely empty, before he finally allows his eyes to land on Chekov, the concerned face highlighted by the overhead lights and yeah, as if the kid needed to look younger, prettier, more out of his league.

“What time is it?” he asked, his voice rough.

“Ah, its after one, the bar is about to close,” Pavel answered.

“Right,” Bones rolled his shoulders, his joints clicking. He did another sweep of the bar and noticed that it was only the two of them, with the disgruntled looking bartender at the other end of the bar, “Where’s lover boy?”

Chekov looked confused for a moment before realisation – and a smile, Leonard thought bitterly – crossed his face. “Oh, you mean Jace. He vent back to the ship, I thought I’d get you. Although, admittedly, he didn’t seem very pleased about it,” he frowned a little, as if confused.

 _‘Yeah, probably because he sees how much I look at you,’_  Bones supplied mentally, but didn’t dare say it out loud. Instead, he said, “That’s nice of you. But I’m fine kid. You should…go back to him.”

Chekov frowned. “You don’t seem fine.”

“Then what do I seem kid?”

“Sad.”

Leonard swallowed and nodded, but didn’t say anything. He had a feeling that, if he opened his mouth, he would end up saying…everything that he had been keeping to himself for months now, nearly a year, he guessed. He didn’t dare.

“Come on Doctor, let’s get you home,” Pavel encouraged softly, urging hands positioning themselves on his shoulder and Leonard found himself following them easily, almost as if he didn’t have a choice in the matter, which, if he were being honest, he probably didn’t. Chekov seemed to have that effect on him. Stubbornness set in, making him shrug off the hands roughly but a few stumbled steps forward had him needing to have those hands back into place and he slumped reluctantly against the smaller, lithe body.

“How much have you had to drink Doctor?” Chekov asked worriedly.

“Leonard,” he stated.

“I’m sorry,” the kid looked confused.

“You should…call me Leonard,” Bones elaborated, “Doctor is too professional.”  _I don’t want to be professional with you._

Ah, shit, did he say that out loud? His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to recall, but he was quickly distracted by the stumbling of his feet. Maybe he didn’t. Chekov hadn’t said anything. Was that a good sign? Or a bad sign? He…didn’t have the brain function at the moment to comprehend what was happening.

“You’re stronger than you look,” he commented out loud.

“Uh, thank you Doc-I mean, Leonard,” Pavel corrected.

Leonard grinned goofily. He liked it when Pavel said his name. It sounded… _right_.

“Um, that’s nice of you to say.”

Okay, so he definitely said that one aloud. That happened. He thought maybe he should say something else, maybe attempt to fix the awkwardness, but he was almost afraid to by his point. So he kept his mouth shut firmly, no chance of accidental thought projection, and leant heavily on Pavel’s shoulders.

Leonard wasn’t sure how long it took to get to his room in the ship. He only knew that the silence, tense and uncertain, seemed to drag on forever, only broken when Pavel shifted Bones’ arm from around his shoulder and stepped back, his smiling wavering.

“Thanks,” Bones murmured. His fingers clumsily punched in the access codes, his body pressed tiredly against the wall. It took three tries before the door finally whooshed open, allowing him access.

“Vill you be okay now, Leonard?” Chekov asked concerned.

 “Yes.”  _No._

“You cannot give me two answers and expect me to understand, Leonard.” There was silence for a moment, “Vhat is vrong?” A hand settled onto the crook of his arm, “You can tell me you know, I won’t tell anyone if you do not vish.”

Leonard laughed coldly. “Don’t do this because you feel sorry for me. I don’t need your sympathy. Jim was bad enough and then you fucking…” he trailed off.

“Sympathy for vhat?” Pavel pressed.

Bones groaned, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. “Unrequited feelings.”

“Oh,” he sounded surprised, “Have you spoken to d-dis person?”

“No,” Leonard scoffed disbelievingly.

“Den maybe dis person feels the same vay – you could tell dis person you’re feelings, it might help,” Chekov offered lowly.

Bones shook his head negatively. “No, this guy…he definitely doesn’t return these feelings.”

“How do you know if you haven’t spoken to him?”

“Because he’s with someone else, alright,” Leonard snapped, moving unsteadily to his bed, collapsing onto the mattress. His head was spinning and he had to hold it in his hands.

“S-someone else?”

“Fucking pretty boy that’s not good enough for him,” he muttered, mostly to himself. There was a voice there, a voice he knew was important, but his head hurt too much right now for him to think and he shakily moved to lie down. His eyes refused to open and he tiredly muttered for the lights to dim.

He swore he heard footsteps, the squeak of boots, and then something, a hand he guessed, brushed his forehead. He frowned a little in confusion, his body too lethargic to move, and a brush of lips against his cheek – he definitely imagined that, but hell, if this was a dream, it was a good one.

*

That was it.

He was never drinking whiskey again.

Never ever.

Because  _sweet Jesus_.

His mind felt like it was loose and being battered about his skull, while being pushed and crushed downwards. His mouth of dry and just seemed unable to become moist again, and it was just pure determination that had him standing and walking and  _not_ throwing up.

Leonard was sure he looked like death warmed over as he made his way down to the med bay, but luckily, everyone he walked passed had more sense than to engage him. It was Nurse Chapel that brought him the hangover remedies after one look at him when he entered. She looked unimpressed, eyebrow arched, but Leonard just muttered something akin to a thank you before practically emptying the holospray in an attempt to heal the aching.

It didn’t take it away completely, but it was enough that he could work throughout the day, mostly just an inventory check for the launch in a few days, and the healing of wounds on the engineering team who was working on the warp core of the Enterprise, and burns were a common consequence of that job.

He spent most of his free time trying to remember what had happened last night. He had flashes of people and words and his dream,  _god_ , he remembered his dream, but there was nothing there that could help him piece together what had happened properly. He knew he spoke to Jim, he knew he had seen Pavel and Jace together in all their gut wrenching glory. He tried his hardest to push that thought away – it was too early for that – but it was hard to forget when Chekov ended up in the med bay.

Leonard glanced at Pavel and then glanced away. “What are you doing down here kid?”

Pavel smiled awkwardly and presented his hand, the red blister standing out brightly against his pale skin. “I get in de vay.”

Bones muttered a curse, and swept towards the kid. He grasped his hand tightly, examining the wound carefully before instructing Pavel to sit on the bed. Leonard moved to the row of holosprays, hands hovering over the tubes before finding the right one. He shook it roughly and pulled the cap of in his mouth as he approached.

“You need to be more careful, or I’ll have to pull you from your engineering shifts, doctor’s orders,” he scolded, spraying over the wound. Chekov winced and recoiled a little at the sting. Leonard moved to bandage it, “It should be fine by tomorrow, but I’d be cautious until then. No getting in the way again.”

“I shall try, thank you Leonard,” Pavel agreed gently.

Leonard tried not to shiver, to react to how his name sounded on Chekov’s tongue, the tinge of accent and the thought of how else the kid could say his name. He swallowed and nodded, turning away and calling over his shoulder that Chekov could leave. But the kid didn’t go, he just sat there, watching his movements. Bones glanced at him unsurely a few times.

“Can I help you with something else Chekov?” he asked quietly.

“Leonard…do you remember anything that happened last name?” Pavel questioned.

His heart thudded nervously in his chest. He licked his lips. “Um, depends on what I guess.”

“Did you remember anything you said?” Pavel pressed.

“Is it important?”

“Just…tell me…please.”

“No,” Leonard answered honestly, “I mean, not really. Everything’s a little hazy to be honest.” Noticing the drop to Pavel’s expression, he hurried on, smiling awkwardly, “Why? I didn’t embarrass myself or something did I?”

Chekov smiled.

“No,” he assured, “You didn’t say anything.”

It was simple enough to understand, but Bones spent too much time watching the Russian’s expressions. He knew when that smile was strained, was false, was hiding something. Of he couldn’t say that, so he just watched, lost and confused and maybe a little hurt when the kid slid of the bed. There was on last painful smile shot in his direction before he turned and walked away and Leonard…Leonard let his knees buckle beneath him so he had to rest against a bedside table to keep steady.

 _Get over him_ , Leonard repeated the words from last night, a promise, a vow that he couldn’t let himself break.

Because, if he didn’t move on, he would just  _hurt_.

And he couldn’t do that anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://imthekeptainnow.tumblr.com/post/53235436105/star-trek-cant-hurt-anymore) :)


End file.
